Truthfully - I have enjoyed each stage of their lives - and being their mom. Another truth - I loved the baby stage and when they were home more often. I am having a hard time getting comfortable with how fast time is going by - and really I probably won't ever be comfortable with that - the key is to except it and enjoy the moments you have with your kids....I try and hold on too much sometimes, and I am realizing; with many tears - that I am not losing my kids, or leaving them if I get a job or spend time on myself accomplishing some goals - in fact it will probably be good for both them and me. Being a present mom in my kids lives is very important to me - and there is a part of me that feels bad or feels like I will be losing them if I do things for myself. I am having a hard time finding balance in being a mom and being there for them - and also taking care of myself and my own goals - without feeling that mother's guilt. Sometimes I feel like running and finding a baby to raise - since I can't have anymore of my own. I just really miss having a baby around, and knowing where my place is - at home taking care of kids. My kids aren't here much anymore - and this coming fall they will all be in school full time - One in High School, one in Middle School and one in Elementary School. It really turns my stomach when I think of Jaron being in High School - sometimes a little light headed when I think he is going to turn 14 in 2 months and going to Stake dances. Toby started talking about that, and I started getting light headed on one of our date nights. Ridiculous I know...but that's where I'm at right now. This is a transition that I am not really liking all that well - and part of it is I think I just need to feel like I have a purpose and a job - and I feel like I am losing that to some degree - I love being a stay at home mom - and I feel like I am losing that and I don't want to. I am a little in shock that I am already at this point of not having kids at home during the school days. Toby has been very understanding, patient, and loving....he tries to understand how I feel - and tells me that I am a wonderful mom and I will always have my kids hearts - but that it will evolve at different stages of their lives - even when they are married and have kids of their own. Getting a job versus staying at home with my kiddos - no contest - I love being their mommy and being there for them when they need me. I am counting my blessings - for the ability that I have had to fulfill my desire to be a stay at home mommy - at the same time coming to terms with things - taking a deep breath, and seeing what's around the corner for me....this really has kind of been a mourning time for me - sleepless nights, tears, hard adjustment for me. Because I do feel like I am losing them in some way. I love being a stay at home mom, but I also love to be busy inside and outside of the home, and those things conflict sometimes - or my feelings about the two conflict in my heart and mind sometimes. It's no secret that being a mom or a parent is all consuming, lot's of different emotions at different times. It's hard to look at my almost 14 year old son - and remember when he was in my arms.....like it was yesterday. I am a passionate person, love my kids, my life, my husband.....love being a mommy - and I am realizing it's OK to be Mandy and accomplish her goals as well as being a good mom. My kids need to see me accomplish goals - and that I am a person beyond being a mom and wife.
So I am trying to find my footing - in shoes I don't necessarily like right now - and still kinda wishing the baby days aren't over so soon!
But I know with any big changes in my life - I'll get there - with patience, and loving myself - which both I am not that great at - I have faith in myself and my Savior and know I will not only find my footing, but eventually love the next stage of being a mom!
I love to be busy - and I think during the days while they are all gone - and Brielle is half days right now - I am getting bored - so when that happens - I start thinking, and getting sad about how fast they are growing and not around as much. I usually stay on top of my house, laundry, finances, etc. - so when they are gone I don't know what to do with myself - when all I really want to do is take care of someone - and no ones here! Ha, ha....
So - first up is going on some fun vacations this year that we can go on now that our kids are older!
Next - getting my rear in gear and getting in shape -that should fill up some time! :)
1 comment:
Mandy,
I very much understand your feelings. Such transition and yet so much opportunity. Sometimes I also find myself looking around and realizing that no one physically needs me and feeling a little lost. But then there are other times when I realize that there is still so much teaching, nurturing, playing, listening, experiencing, and working, to do with my kids that I wonder how I'm ever going to get around to it. Good luck on finding your balance-a life-long goal. I think that we will always be the happiest when our days are filled with love for self and others.
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